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Saturday, October 25, 2008 3:19 AM
.:Here Goes Nothing:.

First, thank you all for the awesome comments you left me on my last post. It really was nice to come on here and read them. The things you guys said are 100% true, and really did help me realize what I need to do. Again, thank you so much.

So I did it. I talked to my mom and dad. And it went a lot better than I had expected.

After Taylor came home last night, we had a looooong talk about it all. She was saying the same things you guys said in the comments. That she is obviously wanting to spend time with me, and I really need to take advantage of it, and that she does still love me, and probably always has. It was hard to accept that reality. I knew I had to do it, but to be honest, I was scared. Terrified, really. Terrified of what is going to happen with-in the next few months, and terrified of what is going to happen at the end of the next few months.

Realizing I had to use this time wisely, I called them. My dad answered, and as soon as he realized it was me, he started crying. It was amazing, because I have only ever seen my dad cry one time, and that was when his sister died when I was like 8 or 9 years old. He immediately started apologizing, too. I told him it wasn't necessary and everything is okay. Then he put my mom on the phone. We didn't even talk. We said hi, then both of us started crying for like 10 minutes. I figured we weren't being very productive by just sitting on the phone crying, so I told her I was just going to come over.

I didn't tell them I was bringing Taylor.

We arrived, and I was actually really scared at the front door. I started regretting not telling them Taylor was coming. I almost turned back to take her home (lol sorry Taylor) but I figured it wasn't necessary. I was right. I introduced everyone, and they took right to her. My dad hugged her so tight for the longest time, it was cute.

So we talked. It was almost as if we were picking up where we left off 9 years ago. I mean, it was so weird I can't even explain it. All the anger and disappointment and sadness just wasn't there. Gone. I was just so happy to be there at her side again.

I'll update tomorrow with more details about my mom and what's going on with her. I just wanted to let you know how things went. It's 3:30am and I'm tired as fuck lol.


<3 Sarah <3

7 french kisses:.
Thursday, October 23, 2008 7:19 PM

Careful, this is a long one.

"Wow" is really all I can say right now. Just...wow. I went from having the best day of my life to having the absolute WORST day of my life. I'm literally shaking right now, Taylor isn't here yet, and I need to think things through, and the only way I figured I could do that was to write about it here, so forgive me for the long past and any part that doesn't make sense or whatever. My thoughts are hectic and I just need to get them out. I also apologize for the gratuitous use of the word "fuck." It's not like me to swear at all, really.

It's even more weird that all this happened a few days after I typed up the post before this one. It makes me think I was thinking all of that because I subconsciously new something like this was going to happen soon. I know that's not true, but it's still pretty fucking ironic.

Here's what happened.

I was having such a good day. Work went great. We landed the deal I went to Chicago for, which is a huge milestone for the company, because it's our first out-of-state client. It's the first step towards nation-wide expansion. They are looking to open up our first out of state branches with-in the next year. My boss mentioned to me in a real off-hand, unofficial way that I could possibly be looking at a managing position in one of those new branches if I keep doing as good as I am now. I know there's a good chance it won't happen, but the fact that he was comfortable enough to tell me about it means, in my mind, that there is also a good chance it could happen. It would mean moving to another state, but it would also mean a huge pay increase. It would be totally worth it.

On top of that, I had a really long conversation with Kayla (the girl who asked me out and I kissed in the car outside the pizza place) today. We settled a lot of issues that had arisen from that mix-up, and I feel like a very meaningful friendship has blossomed out of it. This weekend, she's coming out with our boss, his wife, and Taylor and I when we go out to the bar. I asked Taylor about it on the phone during lunch before asking her, of course, and Taylor being the sweetheart she is was very excited about it. But, now I don't know if I am going to be to going out for a while, so we'll see what happens.

But anyways, today was perfect. Nothing went wrong. I think it was the first day in maybe 3 months that nothing went wrong. Not even something small. On the way home, I don't even remember catching one red light, when usually I hit them all. THAT is how perfect today was.

Or, at least, that is how perfect the first half of the day was.

When I came home, I took the mail out of the box like I usually do, went inside, dropped it on the coffee table, took an iced tea out of the refrigerator, and crashed on the couch and started flipping through the channels. I ended up falling asleep, and woke up a little bit ago. I came online, checked out the blogs I read, checked my email, blah blah blah. I forgot about the mail. I picked up the mail, looked through it, and found an envelope with a handwritten address and return address on it.

Guess who the return address belongs to?

My parents.

If you haven't read my old posts, you may not know that I haven't spoken to my mom or dad in about 9 years now, not counting little run ins and very short small talk. The last time I really talked to them in a meaningful way was when I was 18. I came out to them and they said they wanted nothing to do with me. They let me live at home until I found a place to stay, which I did 2 months later. I moved out with a girl I was dating at the time, and the rest is history.

Until a few weeks ago. I had gone out to dinner with Kayla and she told me about her experience with her parents when she came out to them. Her mom ended up divorcing her dad because her dad refused to let go of his daughter, while her mom never wanted to see her again. I was jealous of the great relationship her and her dad had, so I decided to try to contact my parents that night. My mom answered the phone, told me never to call again, and hung up on me.

(I can't believe I'm not crying my eyes out right now. I think I'm too frozen in shock to do anything except move my fingers.)

So anyways, I sat down in front of the computer, opened the letter, and and just finished reading it a few minutes ago. Now, here I am, my heart practically pounding out of my chest, unable to comprehend anything I just read.

My mom finally wants to fix things between us, the letter says. She has cancer, and only has about 2 or 3 months to live.

That's what the letter said. A fucking letter. Neither her or my dad had the balls to pick up a phone and call me FIVE FUCKING MONTHS AGO when she first found out. Yeah, that's right. She found out FIVE months ago, and NO ONE has told me, not even my piece of shit step-brother WHO I STILL TALK TO (and am going to kill the next time I see him) quite frequently. He has been holding it from me all this time. We seriously have spoken like...I don't even know, 40 or 50 times in the last five months, and NOT ONCE did he ever mention this.

I just don't fucking understand this. Okay, let's assume they were scared to call because of the nine years that we haven't talked, which is the excuse they used in the letter. First of all, we have talked sometimes between those nine years. We live in a pretty small city, so running in to each other is inevitable, so they can't say it was too awkward to make contact after so long without it. Second, I CALLED HER a few weeks ago! And she hung up on me. She had her chance right there to tell me, but she didn't do it.

Five months. Five months they hid this from me. I guarantee EVERYONE in this fucked up family of mine knows, except for me. And now, she finally decides to tell me when she only has 3 months left, and wants to reconcile with me. How in the hell are we supposed to get over everything that has happened and be able to get close again in 3 months? Maybe if she told me when she had 8 months left, it would have worked much better. But 3? It's going to take 3 months to be able to forgive each other and look past it all.

Why on Earth would I even want to get close with her now, when I'm only destined to lose her again in the very near future? I've been wanting this SO BAD for YEARS. I finally get it, but the only condition being that I lose it again shortly after. She knows how bad I've wanted to be close to her again. Why the fuck would she do this to me?

Ok, now I'm crying.

I don't know what to do. I need Taylor to get here and talk me through this. I think I scared the shit out of her. I called her at work and told her she needs to come home now because something bad happened. As of right now, I don't want to speak to my mom. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt when I lose her all over again. The way I see it, I'd be better of staying disconnected, just to avoid the pain I've lived with for 9 years now. But I know I can't do that. I just need motivation that I know Taylor can give me.

What am I going to do?

<3 Sarah <3

5 french kisses:.
Monday, October 20, 2008 6:27 PM
.:Existentialism On Monday Night:.

So I'm in Chicago, with Taylor, and just got back from the meeting I had to attend. It went well, but I won't know the final results for a few more days. I think we did quite well presenting the material, so hopefully it wins them over. We ended up taking a train to Chicago with my boss. It was a little awkward for a while, because Taylor and my boss have never met before, and it was the first time he had actually seen me with another girl, despite knowing I date girls. He was really cool about it though, and him and Taylor hit it off quite well, so that was good.

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days. I haven't had much to talk about. I did, however, do A LOT of thinking. Nothing huge, but as the title of this post suggests, it was a lot of existential, "Why am I here?" crap. Everyone goes through this though process many times in their life, I'm sure.

I came to the usual conclusions: we are alone in the world, and death is the only thing we can be certain of. From the outside looking in, it seems like a sad conclusion, but really, it's not.

We are alone, and the only thing we have to worry about in life is ourself, unless we choose to take on other responsibilities. By responsibilities, I don't mean things like work or school, but instead, other people. We only need to worry about the people we choose to worry about. We are obligated to no one else. We are not responsible for the happiness of others. Our life is in our control just as much as their life is in their control.

I'm not saying we shouldn't worry about others. Of course, care about the people you love, and care about the people in the world who can't have the things we are fortunate enough to have (consistent supply of food, water, shelter, etc.), but don't let other people intrude on your life and demand your attention without making sure you are happy first.

Death being the only thing we can count on is not a bleak conclusion either. Yes, we will all die one day. Don't spend time worrying about that, and don't waste your life, rushing through the days until one day 20 years from now, you suddenly realize 20 years have passed and you missed out on a whole lot. Treat every day as if it were a gift; as if it were your last. It might just be your last. The point is, you never know.

In a way, death is the gift given to us as a reminder that our lives our valuable, and one day, we won't have it anymore. Everything will be gone. Cherish what you have, fight for what you want, and never let go of the things that mean everything to you. Hold on to them until the shattered glass of everything precious in life cuts into your bleeding palms.

One day it will be over, but it's not over yet. Don't forget that, and enjoy every minute given to you.

<3 Sarah <3

2 french kisses:.