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Thursday, October 23, 2008 7:19 PM

Careful, this is a long one.

"Wow" is really all I can say right now. Just...wow. I went from having the best day of my life to having the absolute WORST day of my life. I'm literally shaking right now, Taylor isn't here yet, and I need to think things through, and the only way I figured I could do that was to write about it here, so forgive me for the long past and any part that doesn't make sense or whatever. My thoughts are hectic and I just need to get them out. I also apologize for the gratuitous use of the word "fuck." It's not like me to swear at all, really.

It's even more weird that all this happened a few days after I typed up the post before this one. It makes me think I was thinking all of that because I subconsciously new something like this was going to happen soon. I know that's not true, but it's still pretty fucking ironic.

Here's what happened.

I was having such a good day. Work went great. We landed the deal I went to Chicago for, which is a huge milestone for the company, because it's our first out-of-state client. It's the first step towards nation-wide expansion. They are looking to open up our first out of state branches with-in the next year. My boss mentioned to me in a real off-hand, unofficial way that I could possibly be looking at a managing position in one of those new branches if I keep doing as good as I am now. I know there's a good chance it won't happen, but the fact that he was comfortable enough to tell me about it means, in my mind, that there is also a good chance it could happen. It would mean moving to another state, but it would also mean a huge pay increase. It would be totally worth it.

On top of that, I had a really long conversation with Kayla (the girl who asked me out and I kissed in the car outside the pizza place) today. We settled a lot of issues that had arisen from that mix-up, and I feel like a very meaningful friendship has blossomed out of it. This weekend, she's coming out with our boss, his wife, and Taylor and I when we go out to the bar. I asked Taylor about it on the phone during lunch before asking her, of course, and Taylor being the sweetheart she is was very excited about it. But, now I don't know if I am going to be to going out for a while, so we'll see what happens.

But anyways, today was perfect. Nothing went wrong. I think it was the first day in maybe 3 months that nothing went wrong. Not even something small. On the way home, I don't even remember catching one red light, when usually I hit them all. THAT is how perfect today was.

Or, at least, that is how perfect the first half of the day was.

When I came home, I took the mail out of the box like I usually do, went inside, dropped it on the coffee table, took an iced tea out of the refrigerator, and crashed on the couch and started flipping through the channels. I ended up falling asleep, and woke up a little bit ago. I came online, checked out the blogs I read, checked my email, blah blah blah. I forgot about the mail. I picked up the mail, looked through it, and found an envelope with a handwritten address and return address on it.

Guess who the return address belongs to?

My parents.

If you haven't read my old posts, you may not know that I haven't spoken to my mom or dad in about 9 years now, not counting little run ins and very short small talk. The last time I really talked to them in a meaningful way was when I was 18. I came out to them and they said they wanted nothing to do with me. They let me live at home until I found a place to stay, which I did 2 months later. I moved out with a girl I was dating at the time, and the rest is history.

Until a few weeks ago. I had gone out to dinner with Kayla and she told me about her experience with her parents when she came out to them. Her mom ended up divorcing her dad because her dad refused to let go of his daughter, while her mom never wanted to see her again. I was jealous of the great relationship her and her dad had, so I decided to try to contact my parents that night. My mom answered the phone, told me never to call again, and hung up on me.

(I can't believe I'm not crying my eyes out right now. I think I'm too frozen in shock to do anything except move my fingers.)

So anyways, I sat down in front of the computer, opened the letter, and and just finished reading it a few minutes ago. Now, here I am, my heart practically pounding out of my chest, unable to comprehend anything I just read.

My mom finally wants to fix things between us, the letter says. She has cancer, and only has about 2 or 3 months to live.

That's what the letter said. A fucking letter. Neither her or my dad had the balls to pick up a phone and call me FIVE FUCKING MONTHS AGO when she first found out. Yeah, that's right. She found out FIVE months ago, and NO ONE has told me, not even my piece of shit step-brother WHO I STILL TALK TO (and am going to kill the next time I see him) quite frequently. He has been holding it from me all this time. We seriously have spoken like...I don't even know, 40 or 50 times in the last five months, and NOT ONCE did he ever mention this.

I just don't fucking understand this. Okay, let's assume they were scared to call because of the nine years that we haven't talked, which is the excuse they used in the letter. First of all, we have talked sometimes between those nine years. We live in a pretty small city, so running in to each other is inevitable, so they can't say it was too awkward to make contact after so long without it. Second, I CALLED HER a few weeks ago! And she hung up on me. She had her chance right there to tell me, but she didn't do it.

Five months. Five months they hid this from me. I guarantee EVERYONE in this fucked up family of mine knows, except for me. And now, she finally decides to tell me when she only has 3 months left, and wants to reconcile with me. How in the hell are we supposed to get over everything that has happened and be able to get close again in 3 months? Maybe if she told me when she had 8 months left, it would have worked much better. But 3? It's going to take 3 months to be able to forgive each other and look past it all.

Why on Earth would I even want to get close with her now, when I'm only destined to lose her again in the very near future? I've been wanting this SO BAD for YEARS. I finally get it, but the only condition being that I lose it again shortly after. She knows how bad I've wanted to be close to her again. Why the fuck would she do this to me?

Ok, now I'm crying.

I don't know what to do. I need Taylor to get here and talk me through this. I think I scared the shit out of her. I called her at work and told her she needs to come home now because something bad happened. As of right now, I don't want to speak to my mom. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt when I lose her all over again. The way I see it, I'd be better of staying disconnected, just to avoid the pain I've lived with for 9 years now. But I know I can't do that. I just need motivation that I know Taylor can give me.

What am I going to do?

<3 Sarah <3

5 french kisses:.