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Wednesday, November 19, 2008 12:04 AM
.:The Worst Is Over:.

Well, the time finally came. My mom passed away 2 days ago. Totally unexpected since we thought she had at least another month left. She seemed fine last week, but in the last 4 days, her health went waaay down hill.

I probably won't be updating for a few more days. I just wanted to let you all know.

Thanks for all your support and kind words over the past few weeks. It's helped more than I can even put in to words.

Jeanna Marie, you will be missed.

I love you, mom.

<3 Sarah <3
...

5 french kisses:.
Friday, November 7, 2008 8:54 PM
.:California, Here I (do not) Come!:.

So I'm a little late on posting about this, but obviously, Proposition 8 passed in California, which means a state-constitutional amendment will be made to ban same sex marriages. For those of you that keep up on my blog, you might remember me saying that Taylor and I would be taking a trip to Cali if it did not pass. I'm sure I don't need to say that we will not be taking that trip now, and I will not be wearing this dress (not that I really was anyways):


But, we aren't giving up. We are going to spend the next 6 - 12 months figuring out all the places across the world that we could legally get married, and we will plan an entire vacation around it. I think it's ridiculous that we have to travel across the world just to be married, but hey, it's worth it. We love each other more than anything and will do whatever we can to get what we want out of this relationship and have the same things that heterosexual couples can have.

I hate to go from talking about gay marriage to talking about my mom, but I think it would have been awkward to start with her and move on to gay marriage.

Anyways, everything is great between her and I. We've been spending the last few weeks catching up, talking about everything that has happened in the last 9 years. I really was sad that I couldn't tell her the things a mother would want to hear from her 27 year old daughter, like finishing college, getting a great job, finding the perfect man, falling in love, getting married, having kids, owning a beautiful house and so on and so forth. I felt like she wasn't going to be proud of me. Parent's pride is something every child wants to feel. But she said she was proud of what I've done with my life. It made me feel good, but I know there is a part of her deep down inside that wishes things were different. We don't have time to dwell on those feelings, though. We have very little time, and we've vowed to make the best of it.

The part that makes me the happiest is seeing her and my father get along with Taylor. The other day, my dad and Taylor even went out to dinner together. It was so nice to see him ask her out like that. I think he genuinely cares for her and wants to remain part of our lives, even after my mom passes. I hope so. I really would enjoy having him around more often.

So that is all for now. I promise (for real this time) that I am going to get back to daily updates on this thing. I have been seriously slacking lately. Work has been so busy though. We're in the process of opening our first out of state branch in Michigan, and there is a very good chance I will be moving there for a managerial position in the art department. Because of that, Taylor and I have put off looking for apartments around here. I was so scared that she wasn't going to want to make the move with me if it comes down to it, but she assured me that she would not let me go alone and wherever I go, she will be right there with me. I love her.

I love you guys too!

<3 Sarah <3
...

10 french kisses:.
Sunday, November 2, 2008 5:55 PM
.:Old Friend, They Told Me You Were Dead:.

Sorry! I'm usually much more diligent about updating this baby, but lately I've just been really busy, dividing my time between Taylor, Rachel, and mom and dad.

It can be pretty stressful when things are thrown at you when you aren't quite expecting it. I'm not upset about mom and dad coming back in my life out of the blue. In fact, I'm very happy about it, but things like that can throw you off because there is no warning. In this case, there could have been some warning if my stupid step-brother told me ahead of time, but I forgive him. He was just being faithful to our parents, which is respectable.

So I guess I should update you guys on these things. We'll start with my mommy.

It's getting rough for her, and it really shows. I can't imagine what it would be like to know when and how you are going to die, especially when "when" is in less than 3 months, and "how" is very painful cancer. I meant to update you guys about the cancer, as well, but forgot. It's stomach cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes and other areas near the uterus and kidneys. The stomach cancer was removed, but the rest that has spread is inoperable, the doctors say. She did chemo for a while, but her odds were so low that she opted to just cut the treatment short.

I hate it, but I'm amazed at the same time, by how she has accepted what is going to happen. She's accepted she is going to die, and she's at peace with it. I just wonder if inside, she really feels that way, or if she's putting on a show for our sake. I know the pain is getting to her though. She's on some heavy duty painkillers, but it's just not cutting it, really. The doctors say she might be able to live through Christmas, but there's still a chance she won't make it that far. And if she does make it to Christmas, it won't be too long after. They just aren't sure, which is understandable. They're good at pinpointing times, but they can't be exact to the day.

As for Rachel, her asshole husband finally called. He wants a divorce. I really hate him. He could have been a man about it and told her to her face, but I guess it was just easier to run out and call days later. He says he has a new girl and they are going to get married. I didn't believe it at first, but Rachel has since talked to his sister and says that the girl is like 19 or 20 years old. It's ridiculous. He mailed the divorce papers to my house for her, since she's been staying here.

I predict a long, drawn out divorce settlement case for these two. They have a lot of shit that has to be split up. It's just more stress on Rachel that I wish she didn't have to deal with.

Taylor and I are doing good, as always. She's still the love of my life. We've been looking at apartments to move in to. We've found some that are really nice. There's this one that is just absolutely gorgeous. It's so spacious and has a beautiful view from this large picture window in the living room. Hardwood floors. White walls. I'll have to take some pictures if we go see it again. You guys would love it.

So that's all for now I guess. I know this is probably one of the most boring posts I've ever posted, but I promise to get interesting again. Things have just been so hectic in the life of Sarah. I'll try to post again later tonight. I do have some interesting things to talk to you guys about.

Much love you all!

<3 Sarah <3
...

3 french kisses:.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008 8:29 PM
.:Broke:.

Looking back on the past few years, I've found a trend that seems to occur at the same time every year. In the fall, right around this same time, it seems like things begin to fall apart for a lot of people I know. I don't know if this trend expands outside my little group of friends and loved ones, but it sure is prevalent among us.

For instance, I have the thing with my mom. Last year it was a thing with an ex-girlfriend who I really was in love with. I won't bore you with details, but let's just say she led me to believe that we were meant for each other, when really her purpose in life was to be with anything with two legs and genitals, male or female, young or old. Needless to say, that ended.

This year it's with another friend of mine, Rachel. I've mentioned Rachel in the past, so you may recognize the name. She's a sweet girl, and has been my best friend since I can even remember.

Rachel has been married for a while now. A few years. Things have always been great with her and her husband. I love him. He's a great guy and I have always thought he was perfect for her. He had a level head, he was smart, and he treated her like the princess she is. I would have never expected anything to go wrong with these two. If there is any couple in this world that will be together forever, I would have guessed it was them.

Until yesterday.

Rachel called me crying and asked if she could come by to talk. Being the best friend I am (:-D) I said of course. We sat in the living room, drinking some wine, and she told me all about what has been happening.

A week ago, out of the blue, her husband starts telling her how he thinks they need some time to really think things over and make sure this relationship is what each of them wants. Like any girl who has been in a committed relationship - not to mention marriage - for years, she was rather angry. But, she went along with it, thinking that if he really needs the time and really wants to work things out, she should give him a chance to do it.

Well, the next day, she comes home from work and he's gone. All of his stuff is still at the house, minus some clothes of his. She calls him and asks where he is, and he says he's at his mothers because he feels like they should be apart while they do their thinking. Rachel wasn't happy with this decision, but again, what could she do? She agreed, and let him go, as long as he promised to call and stay in touch.

For the next two days, they stayed apart but they talked on the phone a lot, saying they love each other, reassuring each other that things will be okay soon. Her husband promised that things were going to be fine and that he just needed a few more days and everything would be back to normal when he came home. He said he would call her the next day so they could go get dinner together.

The next day, she comes home from work again, and ALL of his stuff is gone. Everything. Not a single sock or shirt remained. The bathroom was empty of his stuff, the living room was empty of his stuff, the bedroom, every God-damn thing was gone.

He has not called since the last time they talked, the day before all his stuff disappeared.

Obviously, Rachel is broken up. Who wouldn't be? She's staying at my house for a little while now because she can't bear to go home and be alone in the house she shared with this little-boy who thinks he's a man.

I mean, who the fuck does something like this? After so many years together, to just leave without even saying anything? He can't even tell her "I'm sorry, I just don't want to be with you anymore?" Is that so hard?

Why do people have to be so cold to people they supposedly love and care about more than anything? I don't think I'll ever understand humans. I feel sorry for us, sorry that we are so self-centered that we can't even give someone else the benefit of having closure or being at peace with a situation that is hurting them.


<3 Sarah <3
...

6 french kisses:.
Saturday, October 25, 2008 3:19 AM
.:Here Goes Nothing:.

First, thank you all for the awesome comments you left me on my last post. It really was nice to come on here and read them. The things you guys said are 100% true, and really did help me realize what I need to do. Again, thank you so much.

So I did it. I talked to my mom and dad. And it went a lot better than I had expected.

After Taylor came home last night, we had a looooong talk about it all. She was saying the same things you guys said in the comments. That she is obviously wanting to spend time with me, and I really need to take advantage of it, and that she does still love me, and probably always has. It was hard to accept that reality. I knew I had to do it, but to be honest, I was scared. Terrified, really. Terrified of what is going to happen with-in the next few months, and terrified of what is going to happen at the end of the next few months.

Realizing I had to use this time wisely, I called them. My dad answered, and as soon as he realized it was me, he started crying. It was amazing, because I have only ever seen my dad cry one time, and that was when his sister died when I was like 8 or 9 years old. He immediately started apologizing, too. I told him it wasn't necessary and everything is okay. Then he put my mom on the phone. We didn't even talk. We said hi, then both of us started crying for like 10 minutes. I figured we weren't being very productive by just sitting on the phone crying, so I told her I was just going to come over.

I didn't tell them I was bringing Taylor.

We arrived, and I was actually really scared at the front door. I started regretting not telling them Taylor was coming. I almost turned back to take her home (lol sorry Taylor) but I figured it wasn't necessary. I was right. I introduced everyone, and they took right to her. My dad hugged her so tight for the longest time, it was cute.

So we talked. It was almost as if we were picking up where we left off 9 years ago. I mean, it was so weird I can't even explain it. All the anger and disappointment and sadness just wasn't there. Gone. I was just so happy to be there at her side again.

I'll update tomorrow with more details about my mom and what's going on with her. I just wanted to let you know how things went. It's 3:30am and I'm tired as fuck lol.

Goodnight!


<3 Sarah <3
...

7 french kisses:.
Thursday, October 23, 2008 7:19 PM
.:Wow:.

Careful, this is a long one.

"Wow" is really all I can say right now. Just...wow. I went from having the best day of my life to having the absolute WORST day of my life. I'm literally shaking right now, Taylor isn't here yet, and I need to think things through, and the only way I figured I could do that was to write about it here, so forgive me for the long past and any part that doesn't make sense or whatever. My thoughts are hectic and I just need to get them out. I also apologize for the gratuitous use of the word "fuck." It's not like me to swear at all, really.

It's even more weird that all this happened a few days after I typed up the post before this one. It makes me think I was thinking all of that because I subconsciously new something like this was going to happen soon. I know that's not true, but it's still pretty fucking ironic.

Here's what happened.

I was having such a good day. Work went great. We landed the deal I went to Chicago for, which is a huge milestone for the company, because it's our first out-of-state client. It's the first step towards nation-wide expansion. They are looking to open up our first out of state branches with-in the next year. My boss mentioned to me in a real off-hand, unofficial way that I could possibly be looking at a managing position in one of those new branches if I keep doing as good as I am now. I know there's a good chance it won't happen, but the fact that he was comfortable enough to tell me about it means, in my mind, that there is also a good chance it could happen. It would mean moving to another state, but it would also mean a huge pay increase. It would be totally worth it.

On top of that, I had a really long conversation with Kayla (the girl who asked me out and I kissed in the car outside the pizza place) today. We settled a lot of issues that had arisen from that mix-up, and I feel like a very meaningful friendship has blossomed out of it. This weekend, she's coming out with our boss, his wife, and Taylor and I when we go out to the bar. I asked Taylor about it on the phone during lunch before asking her, of course, and Taylor being the sweetheart she is was very excited about it. But, now I don't know if I am going to be to going out for a while, so we'll see what happens.

But anyways, today was perfect. Nothing went wrong. I think it was the first day in maybe 3 months that nothing went wrong. Not even something small. On the way home, I don't even remember catching one red light, when usually I hit them all. THAT is how perfect today was.

Or, at least, that is how perfect the first half of the day was.

When I came home, I took the mail out of the box like I usually do, went inside, dropped it on the coffee table, took an iced tea out of the refrigerator, and crashed on the couch and started flipping through the channels. I ended up falling asleep, and woke up a little bit ago. I came online, checked out the blogs I read, checked my email, blah blah blah. I forgot about the mail. I picked up the mail, looked through it, and found an envelope with a handwritten address and return address on it.

Guess who the return address belongs to?

My parents.

If you haven't read my old posts, you may not know that I haven't spoken to my mom or dad in about 9 years now, not counting little run ins and very short small talk. The last time I really talked to them in a meaningful way was when I was 18. I came out to them and they said they wanted nothing to do with me. They let me live at home until I found a place to stay, which I did 2 months later. I moved out with a girl I was dating at the time, and the rest is history.

Until a few weeks ago. I had gone out to dinner with Kayla and she told me about her experience with her parents when she came out to them. Her mom ended up divorcing her dad because her dad refused to let go of his daughter, while her mom never wanted to see her again. I was jealous of the great relationship her and her dad had, so I decided to try to contact my parents that night. My mom answered the phone, told me never to call again, and hung up on me.

(I can't believe I'm not crying my eyes out right now. I think I'm too frozen in shock to do anything except move my fingers.)

So anyways, I sat down in front of the computer, opened the letter, and and just finished reading it a few minutes ago. Now, here I am, my heart practically pounding out of my chest, unable to comprehend anything I just read.

My mom finally wants to fix things between us, the letter says. She has cancer, and only has about 2 or 3 months to live.

That's what the letter said. A fucking letter. Neither her or my dad had the balls to pick up a phone and call me FIVE FUCKING MONTHS AGO when she first found out. Yeah, that's right. She found out FIVE months ago, and NO ONE has told me, not even my piece of shit step-brother WHO I STILL TALK TO (and am going to kill the next time I see him) quite frequently. He has been holding it from me all this time. We seriously have spoken like...I don't even know, 40 or 50 times in the last five months, and NOT ONCE did he ever mention this.

I just don't fucking understand this. Okay, let's assume they were scared to call because of the nine years that we haven't talked, which is the excuse they used in the letter. First of all, we have talked sometimes between those nine years. We live in a pretty small city, so running in to each other is inevitable, so they can't say it was too awkward to make contact after so long without it. Second, I CALLED HER a few weeks ago! And she hung up on me. She had her chance right there to tell me, but she didn't do it.

Five months. Five months they hid this from me. I guarantee EVERYONE in this fucked up family of mine knows, except for me. And now, she finally decides to tell me when she only has 3 months left, and wants to reconcile with me. How in the hell are we supposed to get over everything that has happened and be able to get close again in 3 months? Maybe if she told me when she had 8 months left, it would have worked much better. But 3? It's going to take 3 months to be able to forgive each other and look past it all.

Why on Earth would I even want to get close with her now, when I'm only destined to lose her again in the very near future? I've been wanting this SO BAD for YEARS. I finally get it, but the only condition being that I lose it again shortly after. She knows how bad I've wanted to be close to her again. Why the fuck would she do this to me?

Ok, now I'm crying.

I don't know what to do. I need Taylor to get here and talk me through this. I think I scared the shit out of her. I called her at work and told her she needs to come home now because something bad happened. As of right now, I don't want to speak to my mom. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt when I lose her all over again. The way I see it, I'd be better of staying disconnected, just to avoid the pain I've lived with for 9 years now. But I know I can't do that. I just need motivation that I know Taylor can give me.

What am I going to do?

<3 Sarah <3
...

5 french kisses:.
Monday, October 20, 2008 6:27 PM
.:Existentialism On Monday Night:.

So I'm in Chicago, with Taylor, and just got back from the meeting I had to attend. It went well, but I won't know the final results for a few more days. I think we did quite well presenting the material, so hopefully it wins them over. We ended up taking a train to Chicago with my boss. It was a little awkward for a while, because Taylor and my boss have never met before, and it was the first time he had actually seen me with another girl, despite knowing I date girls. He was really cool about it though, and him and Taylor hit it off quite well, so that was good.

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days. I haven't had much to talk about. I did, however, do A LOT of thinking. Nothing huge, but as the title of this post suggests, it was a lot of existential, "Why am I here?" crap. Everyone goes through this though process many times in their life, I'm sure.

I came to the usual conclusions: we are alone in the world, and death is the only thing we can be certain of. From the outside looking in, it seems like a sad conclusion, but really, it's not.

We are alone, and the only thing we have to worry about in life is ourself, unless we choose to take on other responsibilities. By responsibilities, I don't mean things like work or school, but instead, other people. We only need to worry about the people we choose to worry about. We are obligated to no one else. We are not responsible for the happiness of others. Our life is in our control just as much as their life is in their control.

I'm not saying we shouldn't worry about others. Of course, care about the people you love, and care about the people in the world who can't have the things we are fortunate enough to have (consistent supply of food, water, shelter, etc.), but don't let other people intrude on your life and demand your attention without making sure you are happy first.

Death being the only thing we can count on is not a bleak conclusion either. Yes, we will all die one day. Don't spend time worrying about that, and don't waste your life, rushing through the days until one day 20 years from now, you suddenly realize 20 years have passed and you missed out on a whole lot. Treat every day as if it were a gift; as if it were your last. It might just be your last. The point is, you never know.

In a way, death is the gift given to us as a reminder that our lives our valuable, and one day, we won't have it anymore. Everything will be gone. Cherish what you have, fight for what you want, and never let go of the things that mean everything to you. Hold on to them until the shattered glass of everything precious in life cuts into your bleeding palms.

One day it will be over, but it's not over yet. Don't forget that, and enjoy every minute given to you.

<3 Sarah <3
...

2 french kisses:.
Friday, October 17, 2008 8:27 PM
.:Due For A Miracle:.

I'm not liking the way my days are feeling lately. There's been this "gray cloud" hanging over them recently, a real ominous feeling. Everything feels the same, but it also feels like something isn't right. I don't know. I'm probably just in one of my phases.

I found a new drink I'm really enjoying. Malibu rum and orange juice. It seems like such an unlikely combination, but it's actually really good. Normally I don't drink rum, but I drank all my vodka last night and I don't feel like going out to the store. I'd make Taylor go, but she's at work.

That's another thing I'm worried about: Taylor's job. I don't feel right about it. For those who don't know, she just got a job as a topless bartender. Nice, huh? I shouldn't say that. It's not a bad job, it just scares me a little bit. I used to be a topless shot-girl at a strip club so I know how the guys act with you.

It shows you how paranoid I am. I'm worried about guys. I highly doubt Tay would be leaving or cheating on me with a guy.

I'm very territorial and protective of people I love. If Taylor was just a really close friend, I'd still be worried about her working there.

(Pause to take French bread pizza's out of the oven lol)

So maybe I am being a little dramatic. I don't know. I just don't know what to make of this feeling I've had the last few days. It's worrying me.

This song is really getting to me at the moment. Listen to it. Its "Stare at the Sun" by Thrice. A great song.

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind


<3 Sarah <3
...

1 french kisses:.
Thursday, October 16, 2008 10:32 PM
.:A Cause - And A Girl - I Can Get Behind:.


I like to promote other blogs I find and love. I think it's cool to help out and get other people's words out there (not that me promoting anyone is a huge help, I have readers, who I love, but not very many) and maybe, in exchange, they will help get mine.

In this case, I want to promote it simply because it's something I too believe in. Brandon had a blog I followed (why is it gone, by the way? Did you make it?) where he was documenting his progress in getting off his medications for heroin addiction. Now he has a blog called The Drug Wars that I just found a little while ago and added to my growing list of blogs I like to keep up on.

So, I figured since what he's doing over there is a good cause, I'll promote it a little bit! How nice of me.


**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**


In other news, Taylor and I visited our favorite booze drinking spot. I'm always surprised by how busy they are during the week. Well, Thursdays they usually have specials going and some little event taking place, so I guess I'm not too surprised about today.

Ok, so to let Taylor get back at me, I told her she could dance with whoever she wanted tonight and I wouldn't say a word. And she did, and rubbed it in my face by staring at me with this silly look of contempt, the whole time grinding her ass against whoever it was she was dancing with at the time. So yeah, I feel where she was coming from. I was a little jealous. I made her stop when one girl started putting her hands all over Taylor.

Sadly, I didn't drink as much as I was planning to. I promise I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I could be, but I don't think so. I'm more responsible than a true alcoholic. I still have a job, for starters. My dad was an alcoholic, so maybe I am too, or maybe it's in my genes. As long as it's not in my jeans, that's fine. I don't let just anyone get in my pants.

I am buzzed though (if you can't tell by my sporadic thoughts, contained in these fun little ellipses), but I was really looking forward to getting drunk. The reason? I love drunk sex.

Who can honestly say they don't like drunk sex? It's so wild and uninhibited. You're free to do whatever you want and have whatever you want done to you. It's amazingly fun. If you haven't had drunk sex, do it (PSA: as long as you're of age).

So, I'm going to go finish what vodka I have left in the freezer (I like it cooooold) and make Taylor do nasty things to me. Too much info, I know, I'm sorry.

I love you all. Goodnight.

<3 Sarah <3
...

7 french kisses:.
6:18 PM
.:It Gets Better:.

Taylor forgave me finally. I now understand why she was so mad, too. She said she hated having to find out about it by reading it here, and wished I would have called her that night and told her directly. It's a completely understandable wish, and I should have been more responsible about it. So we made up and all is well with us again.

I worked extra late today. I guess it wasn't extra late. I left at 6 instead of 2:30, but I finished the project. I had to put together a portfolio to present at the meeting in Chicago next week, and then I had to get our new designs ready for presentation as well. The new designs won't be needed next week, but they're already ready to go, so I got that done now so I didn't have to do it later.

The exciting thing about the Chicago trip: I get to bring Taylor with me. I'll actually be driving to Chicago since it's not that far from here (few hundred miles) and I convinced (asked) my boss if she could come with me. He's one of the few people who know about my lifestyle (or so I think. Kayla surprised me when she told me she knew) and I trusted him enough to ask. He was okay with it, saying as long as I made it to the meeting on time and didn't decide to stay in Chicago forever, he didn't care what I did. He's going too, but he is flying out tomorrow morning for some reason (the meeting isn't until Monday).

They are giving me a rental car to take so I don't have to drive my own. The one downside is I have to pay for my own hotel since I'll be having Taylor with me, and they will only pay for me to stay. No big deal, though. I'm looking at hotels online right now, and some of them are nice and cheap. I might go all out and get a really fancy one, though. With my bonus I could probably splurge a little bit.

I can't believe I don't have much else to talk about. I've been so focused on work lately since we are trying to move out of state and gain a national customer-base. I haven't had much time to myself, so there really isn't anything interesting to talk about.

I think maybe Taylor and I should go out tonight. I always have something fun to write about when we go out, so for the sake of saving the blog, I just might have to go to the bar and get drunk. We'll see.

<3 Sarah <3
...

0 french kisses:.